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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

move on. make a step. walk. run. if fall, get up. walk. run.

if i always make you angry i'm sorry. i want to be patient to you.
i want prove what i have to prove. and i didn't give you anything that make you smile.

i know you always sad and worry about anything else, about your life, your mind, and you always says it to me many times. i'm sorry if i can't listen all. i'm sorry if i can't be a good listener for you, and i can't give you good advice, too. because i'm so tired to listen it, and my ears can't close not to listen any words you spoke. i can't. so must i go far away just for have a peace?

if my sisters only stay at their place, when they saw you and him make a high voice, i said i can't. and never can. i will hide and i always hide.

i have a dream to have a happy family, and i know every family wants it. you and him. i have a dream to live alone when i was graduated from high school. really. and maybe from three of us, i'm the most want it. but, You God, have a different plan, and maybe i'm so selfish to think that she broke my dream. i am wrong? and she is right?

Is You God give me a really sensitive heart? so i will be so strange. really. i am like a boat. so easy to smile and cry. easy to angry and laugh. easy to silent and talk much. easy to confess my fault and sins and easy to do it again. easy to be offended, and please God, teach me to forgive. easy to feel nothing. what i'm now is it the best of Your plan?

Forgive and forget all the things in the past, and make a new. it's a christmas meaning. this christmas is different from last christmas. i didn't make promises to You God, what things that i want to change. maybe because i know, what i say to You God it's vain, nothing change, and i still the same or maybe worse. so what i must to do? maybe You so lazy to hear and listen me for the promises that i always say it and it never happen. so i'm sorry God. but what the sorry meaning? nothing?

move on. just walk on and maybe someday i will find the better of me. leave the past and i will start the new. so hard God, just to make one smile for my mother, just to make a laugh for my father, because all things i made is only anger and sadness.

fly away. i hope i can. just feel the wind and i dream like i'm flying in the sky. seeing Your beautiful clouds, and guess what form that You make. playing a kite. sitting on rock. seeing snow. listening music.

walking on the maze life. it's the hard part. but please remember me, God, everything i'll do is for You. i'm just ride in this world, and i will return it back to You one day. so make my life worth and precious.

what the meaning of anger? so i don't want to enforce my will, just stop and be silent. no need to be win, if i just made her hurt and You hurt and then i feel nothing, a child that never make a smile for her family.

if my sister write a blog, she says she want every person who reads her blog get something useful or make them learn from something that she wrote. but i'm not. i write every words that i can't explain, every words that i can't say, everything what i feel, everything in my mind and heart that maybe only me know or maybe i don't know also.

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